Cribbage

So apparently, we need a place to put She-Blob.

The world of baby furniture is a confusing place filled with mysterious, costly items that, we quickly learned, we simply can't live without if we are to consider ourselves good, nay, competent, parents.

The other thing you discover when you start to research baby furnishings, is that they're all potential death traps that will invariably maim or kill your newborn at some point. Of course, this will be your fault, because you're the unfit parent responsible for bringing them into your home.

The best you can do is visit a bunch of stores filled with beds and dressers and changing tables, sticking your fingers between slats (where your child will eventually get a leg or an arm stuck) and behind mattresses (where your child will eventually smother herself). You must watch out for furniture that is too ornate (or your child will get his clothes caught on the filials, and eventually hang himself), furniture with gates that drop too easily (where your child will sever, or at the very least break, fingers) and furniture with nails or screws sticking out (ok, the last one is a no-brainer. But unless you're building the crib yourself with 2 x 4's and a staple gun, this shouldn't be too much of a problem).

On the upside, once you've eliminated all the booby-trapped devices flooding the baby market, your choices become pretty straight-forward. For the next thing you realize, is that essentially, THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE. Sure, some have curvier legs or ribbing, some appear a bit sturdier than others, but at the end of the day, all the cribs look like little cages without tops. All the dressers look like, well, dressers. The main difference, it appears, is the price you pay for the "designer" furnishings no self-respecting newborn can live without.

So, just pick the color of your cage, swipe the credit card, and begin waiting for the delivery. Which will hopefully come before you actually deliver yourself.