Learning to Breathe, Part 1

For 34 years I've breathed on my own, and quite well, if I may say so myself. I've breathed through a variety of situations and moods, happy breathing, sad breathing, pained breathing - and have never run into trouble or felt I needed instructions. What with the involuntary nature of the whole process, and all.

So when my OB first suggested that I take a "Prepared Childbearing" (read, Lamaze) class, I nodded politely and forgot about it. But then she mentioned it again...and again... Bree thought it was worth checking out. People at work said I should definitely go. Peer pressure was mounting.

A few months later, Bree and I found ourselves wandering through the halls of Cedar Sinai, looking for Conference Room E, where our education was to take place. Granted, we signed up for the shortest possible class, figuring two sessions of breathing should cover us.

The class was a throwback to health class, without the opportunity to pass notes. Our instructor offered us homemade chocolate graham cracker cake (???) and began by revealing that her passion for Lamaze was awakened at the tender age of 11, when she began reading "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and similar publications to entertain herself while babysitting. While the rest of us were preparing to be firemen, astronauts or vets, this girl wanted to teach women to birth.

Who reads those books for entertainment? I have yet to read them for a purpose! More importantly, who lets an 11-year-old babysit?! We then had to go around the room, introducing ourselves and explaining why we were there. Since "I gave in to peer pressure and am truly regretting that decision," didn't sound sporting, I mumbled something about doctor's suggestions and gathering information. This was going to be a long 3 hours.

I am happy to report that I took no cake, as the next section of class involved a demonstration using a plastic baby and skeletal hip bones, as well as a HIGHLY graphic video of women birthing without meds.

Next, was some hands-on practice which involved (you guessed it) breathing, lying on the floor, focusing on spots on a wall, counting, more breathing and the hapless men (our "Labor Partners") getting yelled at for improper leg rubbing technique.

We then finished out the night by watching yet another birth video, during which a former professional bicycle racer exalted the virtues of the epidural while birthing with a drug induced grin on her face. Then we headed off to dinner.

Here's what I learned so far:
1) There are a bunch of stages of labor, and a bunch of sub-stages of those stages. How this helps, I'm not sure, but if I'm ever quizzed...
2) Don't come to the hospital too early. They'll make you sit in a small room.
3) How to make the chocolate graham cracker cake.
4) Doing it the natural way may win you some bragging rights, but none of the women in the first video were smiling...
5) Holy shit! I DID know how to breathe before this!
6) Next week's class involves me being on all fours.

I'm very afraid.

image by szlea