5 Months Old

I've begun to hand my child over.

Which is such a strange thing to say. But the nanny started today, and in the next 5 days (4 days, now) I have to step back, relinquish control and let her start taking care of Otter.

If you had asked me 2 months ago, I would have gladly passed the responsibility for Otter's care to the first willing passer-by. But falling in love is a delicate process, and it happens while you're paying attention to something else and, invariably, takes you by surprise. And in the last 5 months, I have fallen deeply in love with my daughter, so handing her to another - even one who I trust will take good care of her - leaves me a little aching and sad.

It was hard not to play with her as she was introduced to her new nanny, difficult not to step in every time she was sad or cried. I know the game that make her squeal with glee. I have figured out, through days and weeks of trial and error what gets her tears to stop. But I can't take over, I need to let go. Because if this is going to work, both Otter and her nanny need to find their own way and figure out the games and comforting that works for them.

In a way, I think it's fitting that the severing began on her 5 month-day. She's becoming more and more of a person, grasping at shreds of independence. Somewhere along the way, she became a touch more mobile, learning to roll over. Recently, she's taken an interest in solid food, taking a minuscule step away from me as her only form of sustenance. She can spend several minutes playing and entertaining herself, can fall asleep without me rocking her til she's a dead weight. All of these things have bought a bit more freedom for her AND for me. And as difficult as it is letting go, I know that as she grows, Otter and I will constantly redefine our relationship.

So I have this week, to hand over the reigns. After 5 months of learning to take care of her 24/7, I now have to learn how not to.