Otter Vs. Magical Cheese

Many years ago, my friend gave me "The Book of If" for Christmas. Basically, it's a collection of philosophical questions, ranging from the mundane (If there was one person you could have dinner with...) to the morbid (If you were lost at sea with only your shipwrecked mates to eat...), meant to inspire droll conversation and witty debate.

Inspired by the endless possibilities of if-dom, and fueled somewhat by 3 sleepless nights, Bree posed the following question to me last night: If you could trade the Otter for a lifetime of the most delicious, delectable cheese, the best cheese of any type you could wish for, the kind that doesn't make you fat, would you do it?

I wish I could say I met the question with righteous indignation. That I instantly and vehemently reprimanded Bree for even suggesting such an inequitable trade. But I really do like cheese... And we're talking magical, perfect cheese in unlimited quantities with no ill side effects. You can see the difficulty in just writing it off.

So I did the only logical thing and created a pro and con list:

Cheese does not wake up in the middle of the night to eat. Point for the cheese.

On the other hand, cuddling cheese could get rather messy. Point for the Otter.

Left to it's own devices, cheese starts to smell kind of funny. But then, so does the Otter. Let's call this one a draw.

Cheese tastes good. Definitely point for the cheese.

Cheese doesn't cry or spit up. Cheese takes another one. Make that two points.

But then...

Cheese doesn't laugh if you put it on top of the refrigerator. In fact, if you put it up there, no good can come of it in the long term.

Cheese doesn't giggle gleefully as you take off it's pyjamas, inspiring me to heartfelt renditions of "Big Spender" while making it kick its legs.

Cheese doesn't hang on to you like a koala (at least how I imagine koalas cling to you) and lean its head into your shoulder when it gets tired.

Cheese doesn't suck on your knuckles. That may sound like a point for cheese, but (hard as it may be to believe) is actually a point for the Otter.

So in the final analysis, I suppose Otter beats Magical Cheese. Because while I can still get cheese, and eat it blearily while a crying, barfing girl clings to my shoulder, there is only one Otter.