Ma Vie Sans Frommage

Four years, 8 months and 5 days ago, I stood before family, friends, and our Internet-ordained pastor and spoke my wedding vows. Along with tender readings about everlasting love and nearly-dead brides by Poe, I said the most heartfelt promise of fidelity of all:
"I will love you more than cheese."

This should give you an appreciation of my love of cheese, if nothing else. And consequently, you will certainly understand the seriousness of what I say next.

I am now living a cheeseless life.

Not just cheeseless, but completely dairy-free. Sort of like a vegan, if you overlook the occasional consumption of meat.

To borrow a phrase from Pushing Daisies, the facts are these:

Apparently babies poop in a rainbow of colors. Some of these colors are considered "normal" (even though to the average person they're anything but), others, less so.

Otter was pooping green. Not just green-ish. Full on Forest Green. Scary.

After extensive research, we unscientifically determined that this was due to her intolerance of proteins found in milk. (Cow milk, not people kind.)

And, since she "eats" what I eat, that translated into no dairy for me for the foreseeable future.

And thus, I became a label reading, food avoiding, asking about prepared food ingredients, "Can you really bake without butter?" (the short answer is no, nothing good) kind of chick.

I also realized that I gravely underestimated the variety of foods that contain dairy. Milk, cheese, yogurt, butter, ice cream and cream are the obvious offenders. I also must refrain from chocolate, most baked goods, onion rings, chicken nuggets, certain breads (they contain "whey protein," whatever that is) and caramels. Caramels, dammit.

And have I mentioned that my favorite Sunday night ritual of cheese plate has been replaced by me picking sadly at the accouterments while the others at the table taste and invariable comment on the goodness of the star component...

If you add into consideration the fact that I should also avoid over-eating soy products, tree nuts, and caffeinated items, my dairy free existence is even more pathetic.

But I'm hanging tough. If this doesn't prove devotion to the kid, I don't know what does.

Image by cwbuecheler