Safe

After months of lying to my pediatrician I was finally shamed into action by my own post. How could I say I love my child if I had yet to protect her from the calamity of getting into the trash or the certain death of sticking her finger into a socket? What is to prevent Otter from sneaking into the under-sink cabinet and guzzling a surface cleaner and swiffer wet wipe cocktail? Sure the cleaner claims to be non-toxic, but do I really want my daughter to provide me with material for a "truth in advertising" lawsuit by proving them wrong? Apparently so.

It's not that I have anything against baby-proofing (even though entire generations managed to grow into adulthood with only the most minor of electrocutions), it's that the process is so damn daunting. Like any other industry, the baby safety market is a sea of products, seemingly identical in nature (that being, they serve a mysterious, not easily identifiable purpose) yet vastly different in price point. And since your local Super Mart rarely carries socket plugs, a specialty store is in order. So it was with a heavy heart that I ventured back into the hell that is Babies R Us and began my journey.

When I say journey, I mean it in the most literal sense. It began with the drive, followed by the trek across the 100+ degree parking lot and ended in the labyrinth of the store. Somewhere between bottles and high chairs, I began feeling a bit like Harry Potter looking for the goblet of fire. Yeah, I know. I just referenced Harry Potter.

But I pressed on, eventually finding myself in the Baby Safety aisle. There were at least 4 different brands competing to save my baby from almost certain death. And within each line, there was a plethora of products, from the obvious to the obscure. Here, in general, is what I found:

1. The majority of these "safety devices" need to be screwed into one of your surfaces in order to work properly. Now you may call me shallow and materialistic for what I'm about to say, but here it is: We paid more money than I like to think about to refurbish our kitchen. So the idea of putting the screws to my already-suffering, nearly new cabinets is beyond unpleasant.

2. There is a huge difference in price from line to line - from $1.99/20 socket protectors, to $4.99 for 10 of the same product. I WANT to buy the two buck set, but the paranoia sets in - what am I not getting that the 5 buck set must provide? Is Otter 2.5 times more likely to send a live current through her body if I cheap out?

3. There are a number of items with a very specific function. Take for example, the toilet lid lock. How many of these gadgets are they really selling? Are people actually unlocking and locking their toilet lids after every use or does my doubt of this just peg me as a crappy parent who doesn't care if my baby drowns?

After several hours of staring and taking different combinations of boxes into my basket, only to put them back and start again, I finally came away with what I hope will at least forestall injury and death:

A 20-pack of socket plugs. Yeah, at the end of the day I cheaped out. If she does electrocute herself, the hospital bills will be high enough. This way I can look back and say, "Well, at least I saved $3 on the plugs..."

2 packs of cabinet locks. Glass half full - I found locks you don't need to screw in! Glass half empty - they only work on double doors. So my single door cabinets and drawers are still fraught with danger.

2 packs of bi-fold door locks.

A gazillion packs of stick-on padded furniture corners.

I still think my house is a veritable minefield of baby dangers, but at least I got started. In retrospect, however, I wonder if I should have just purchased the child leash that they were hocking in the same aisle...