Ikea is the 7th Circle of Hell

For those of you confused by my kinder, gentler, apology-issuing persona of last week, fear not. The ranting and raving is back, and it is ON.

For this, you can thank the kind folks who have brought us Ikea, as part of their diabolical plan of world domination.

If any of you have not had the pleasure of visiting this Hades disguised as a home goods store, allow me to give you the run-down:

Situated over 2 warehouse-like, gargantuan floors, it sits, poised like a monster, in some mall complex in a town near yours. Inside, is a labyrinth of passageways through showrooms, exhibiting "rooms" created solely out of Ikea furnishings and home decorating items. Come armed with a map, a compass, and plenty of food-stuffs to keep you nourished during your quest. Though there are signs, placards, and even arrows on the floor, instructing you where to go, their sole purpose it to get you hopelessly lost. Eventually, frightened and dehydrated, you decide that renovating your kitchen with laminated particle-board cabinets is a great idea.

Moreover, you'll need to make room for the hordes of what can only be tourists wandering the aisles with you. My theory on these people is two-fold: either they really got the short end of the stick on some package tour, and think they are at Disney Land instead (this would explain the crowds that stop dead in front of a particularly awful display of lamps or mugs, pointing and snapping photos); or, lulled in by the promise of cheap furnishing "souvenirs" to take back to the home country, they have become lost like you, and have also been wandering for days, unable to find the exit.

Add in a healthy dose of couples how have decided to make "A Day at Ikea" a family outing for their 2 screaming infants and out-of-town in-laws, and you get a general idea of what Sunday morning at this Swedish Design strong-hold has in store for you.

Oh - and -
the escalator up doesn't work;
and the elevator is long and narrow, forcing you to head in, but back out in reverse;
and while ALL the curtains, bedding, etc. are together in the jauntily named "Marketplace," children's textiles, bedding, etc. are in a COMPLETELY different location, deep in the bowls of the furniture area;
and if you happen to need curtains that AREN'T 84" long, Ikea helpfully suggests just cutting their curtains in half;
and everything has cute Swedish sounding names like "SKILHO" and "BLARG" which tell you NOTHING about what the product actually is or does;
and the signs explaining what the products are are in 3 different languages, English not always being the most prominent;
and God help you if you've taken a wrong turn and have to backtrack - Ikea is designed to be a strictly one-way operation;
and the "restaurant" smells revolting;
and there are no bags, so be prepared to carry everything by hand.

Here's what we came for: She-Blob's curtains, curtain rods, lamp, bedding, rug, picture frames, animal pictures for the walls.
Here's what we left with: place mats, bedding (for us), She-Blob bedding, 2 lamps, rug, picture frames, light bulbs, frozen Swedish Meatballs.

All in all, a rather successful trip, even if it has shaved years off my life. My greatest accomplishment though? Successfully fighting the urge to take that 12-year-old kid, walking as slowly as he could in front of me while swinging his arms and stab him with my pen.

I hate Ikea.

Image by OiMax