Bathing Beauty

We're going to Palm Desert this weekend and with "desert" being the operative word, the area tends to be rather balmy. Luckily for us, our hotel comes with a lovely pool that invites lounging. Less luckily, that requires a bathing suit.

Now I've seen the proud mamas-to-be, strutting their stuff in tiny bikinis, inviting the world to admire their fertile physiques. And while I applaud their self confidence, the idea sticking some dental floss between my ass-cheeks and some triangles over my boobs and prancing around like the day-glow pale Earth Mother that I am fills me with overwhelming dread.

So, a bathing suit needed to be purchased. One that covered a lot of me.

Given my horror of clothes (let alone bathing suit) shopping on the best of body-image days, and taking into account my near break-down at Macy's some months back, I decided that I couldn't face this shopping excursion alone. And since he made the mistake of marrying me and tying his life forever to mine, Bree got roped in for the trip.

We arrived at Macy's at 8 pm. This was good, since few people go bathing suit shopping while American Idol is on. We were focused. We had a mission:

Get in.
Get out as quickly as possible.
Preferably with a bathing suit.
Hopefully without the shedding of tears (me or Bree).

First things first. Bright colors are IN. In a big way. This is not conducive to staying inconspicuous while lurking in the shadows.

Secondly, designers seem to be skimping on material under the guise of fashion...


Seriously, do these look good on anyone?!

But we were determined to walk away with a suit. Bree was the hero of the operation, refusing to succumb to tears or my insistence that the pool is really over-rated. And after a few missteps (the fluorescent green flowered number, the numerous brown floral options, and the retro striped thing - btw, horizontal stripes are NOT my friends) I finally came away victorious, clutching my black tankini. (A tankini, for those not in the "know" is basically a one-piece suit that has been cut into a top and a bottom, so they can charge you for both pieces separately.)

Mind you, I look NOTHING like this in it. But I can now lounge about with the Palm Springs poolside set. I just hope that with the black and white, they don't mistake me for Shamu and try to net me and return me to my natural habitat.